MIA

Inter-nutty

Yeah, so, I'm sitting here doing something I haven't done in a long time.  Typing on the internet via the library's computadora.  Haven't really done this since college days.  Haven't really needed to, since practically everything I own can be connected to the internet somehow these days. 

Which really got me thinking:  Where would we be without the internet???  I mean, how many times a day, on average, do you figure you hop on the world wide web to email?  Myspace? Facebook? Google? Blog? Chat? IM? YouTube? Itunes?  Etc, etc... Or in my husband's case: CNN? ESPN? Panache Report? (Yeah, I know...don't ask) Local newspaper sites? Weather.com? Hotmail? Yahoo?  Yellow Pages? etc, etc...

Could we possibly survive in this country without it?  I mean....how hard can it be to function day-in, day-out without the simplicity of typing in a few keystrokes and learning what is going on back in my hometown, or even across the country or the world?  Can we honestly live without being informed of what Halle Berry named her kid?  Or what those 5 guys from Making the Band 4 decided to name their group and when their first album will be released?  Or what President Bush is doing (or not doing) in the Oval Office?  Or how did "Superman" Dwight Howard come up with his nickname and his design for the Slam Dunk Contest?  Or why Obama is still beating out Hillary in popular votes when she is desperately trying to mud-sling, lie and cheat her way into winning the election?

Oh, did I go too far?  I think not....I think I may be showing some signs of withdrawal...from lack of internet, that is.  Please come back to us!!!  LOL

Just some randomosity to brighten your day.

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Other than that....I miss my friend....spent some time today thinking of recent occurences that I would normally share with my lost friend....but then suddenly remembered that our friendship was no longer....just friends in words, not in deed.  Crazyness.  Man, I miss you....how unfair life can be at times.  We shall meet again....I just know it....then and only then, perhaps, circumstances will be different; bridges can be rebuilt; roads can be crossed; communication can begin again.  Life shared...memories renewed....and treasured. 

Or not.

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Another year, another birthday...

Funny how much (or how little) you can learn in a year.

A friend of mine asked me on birthday if I had grown a year wiser.  I replied, "I hope so!"  So far, 2008 has been a great year.  Not that 2007 wasn't.  This year has just been even greater.  Started off in January with piles of boxes surround me as I earnerstly tried to keep up with the moving deadline.  Fast forward a few days...moving truck had to be loaded with a handful of dear friends in a race against the darkness.  A few days of heavy-duty cleaning and emotional good-byes led to an exciting overnight drive down to the deep south where my parents and brother and his wife awaited our arrival. A bit of touring and visiting the local SuperWalmart (which was a rarity in our hometown) at least 5 times in the next couple of days followed.  Heavy lifting and unloading the truck....and storing certain items....all the fun that unpacking and moving in is NOT....LOL.  Exhaustion soon ensued....and school days soon followed.

Fast forward a month....February....the Obama Rally....the awesomeness of being in line with thousands, and I mean literally THOUSANDs, of people of all colors, ages, etc, waiting to GET INside the Reunion Center in downtown Dallas.  It was amazing...I had never seen anything like it....people just calmly waiting for a chance to not only view history, but to become part of it.  Amazing.  And we didn't even get inside.  There were at least 18,000 people already inside, and they had to turn away at least 9,000 outside!  Can't say that I wasn't disappointed.....but I was appeased by the fact that in just showing up, I had become a part of something, took a stand for something.  For CHANGE.  For UNITY.  For a truly free nation.  For EQUALITY.

Another month....March....Reflections: Looking around everyday and noting how blessed I truly am.  How so many wonderful people that I know that were born in March.  Enjoying my family.....loving my husband more deeply than even just a year ago....examining my kids and seeing each one's personality emerging.  Interacting with my parents and my bro and his wife as adults.  Seeing life and reality as they truly are.  And more to come....

Not that this year hasn't been without it's down times....losing friends, losing memories, losing sense of self, losing confidence, losing control, losing a piece of me....all that comes with the territory of change, and transistion, and growth, and maturity and immaturity, life in general.  So to answer my friend's question more specifically: "I hope that I have grown wiser.  But I definitely have much more growing to do.  More mountains to climb, more giants to defeat, more oceans to cross, more storms to weather, more tears to shed, more hope to lose.  But then again, I have more times to laugh, more faith to have, more hope to gain, more reasons to sing, more destiny to fulfill, more hugs to give, more energy to expend, more joy to exude, more words to share....

Loss

I feel I lost a very good friend today.  Over foolishness.  Thiers or mine?  Yeah, that's a good question, isn't it?  Now I understand what my pastor meant when he said that it's hard to let go of a friend.  So it is.  And now the advice that I always give out to others is being thrown back in my face: When the Lord takes away a friend He always bring someone else.  Dang, but what if I don't want someone else to step in?  Ahh...such is life.  I don't have a lot of friends.....well, let me clarify, I don't have a lot of close friends.  Friends that I can go to and just  let loose....friends who know me for me.....I can be myself with them.....not just the person you see on Sunday mornings, but the person you see on Tuesday...on Friday.  Yeah, those kinds of friends...that stick closer than a brother....because they ARE your brother and sister.  Yes, this is what I lost today.  I can now count on one hand how many people are THAT close to me.  That's how it's always been with me, though. 

I went for years without even having a best friend.  And then I "had" to choose one since society dictates the "norm" (of-course I was always trying to go against the "norm"); so when I did as an adolescent, it was usually the person I saw the most.  But did that person truly know me?  Well, not really.  I mean, how much are you going to really know about a person at the age of 9 and 11?  My first true best friend came along my senior year in high school!  We have since grown apart.....marriage seemed to cause that....as that friend remained single (makes it rather difficult to discuss diapering and parental duties when my friend was forever talking about clubbing and some cute boy on the dance floor).  She was a great friend....was there in the most difficult period of my life to date....actually, she was the only one there for me, besides my mom. 

Let's see....2 more true friends were met in college....well, 3 b/c I met my hubby when I was in college.  I have 2 more at my church...well former church now since we've moved to TX.  Not sure if you're supposed to count siblings, but I definitely have a couple who I pretty much can share anything.  Such a blessing.    I'm looking forward to cultivatiing relationships with my new sisters.  Perhaps this is what prompted the current situation I am....this "breaking of the fellowship", so to speak. 

While it saddens my heart, I know that the Lord's hand is guiding this situation and it's all for the best.  Sometimes you have to let go of things (and people) in order to grow closer to God.  And perhaps this friend was hindering my growth.  Can't put the blame on the friend....just on myself....b/c I am the one who allowed this friendship to impace my spiritual growth.  Just like there are habits that I have or issues that need to be dealt with but have been quietly swept to the corner that are holding me back. 

So, Lord, I am letting go.....

I am most definitely a work in progress, so please pray for me.  I will attempt to keep track of my spiritual journey on this blog, so that perhaps I can see (despite all of the mistakes that I am bound to make) how I am still "pressing toward the mark". 

So get ready....."Onward, Christian soldiers"....

My Earnest Prayer...

Lord, help me to be what You created me to be.  Help me to stop being so petty about certain things.  Help me to be more committed, more steadfast, more willing.  Help me to honor and to serve You, not just when it's convenient for me or when it feels right. 

I have lost sight of You....lost sight of what's truly important....lost sight of what my main focus should be....lost a sense of reality.  Lately, that's how I've been feeling: lost.....like I am losing control...or on the verge....it's not a good feeling.  I don't want to be here again....not where I am.....I want to be where You are, Lord. 

I am venturing down an unknown path.  Correction: I am looking to venture down an unknown path.....at first it was a casual glance....now there's a huge fork in the road staring me in the face....again.   Not again!  Yet another chance for me to make a terrible mistake.  The first time it was out of naivety which soon gave way to flirting with danger...only I was the one who suffered most cruelly in the end.  Selfishness....it was all about me and making me feel a sense of worth....feel alive, in a sense....Now as a result, there's a part of me that will never feel alive again.  Unless, You Lord, feel merciful enough to restore me.  And although that's what I want, I don't feel I deserve it at this point.  Not if I am going to give way to self and make the same choice again. 

There's a war going on in my mind.....Lord, You know all about it...can't You hear me shouting???  Shaking heaven's "walls" with my thoughts??  Fighting with myself, once again.  Can't really blame it on the devil....not when I know who the real enemy is.  Sometimes I give him too much credit.  Always playing the blame game....how sad is that?  

Lord, help me to go back to who I used to be....not becoming the person who You saved me from!  But blooming into the woman that You saved me to be.  That's who I want to be...more like You. 

This is my earnest prayer...

Amen.